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[enoderedrum]

 

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ripraven

CURRENT HOUSING:

Currently living both in his designated housing, but also Adams House (pretty much in Kavinsky's bed nightly).

 

SCARS / MARKINGS:
ENVY - Cut into his left forearm (via Blue)
SUFFER - Carving into his calf via himself.
WRIST SCARS (successful suicide) + Thigh SCAR.
WRIST TATTOO -  Paw on his right wrist (via Kavinsky)
THROAT TATTOO - A raven with its wings spread on either side of his neck,
the face is a skull of the raven instead, and the background is filled with blue, purple and hints of red watercolor splashes. (Tattoo shop on Mammons Island.)
RIBCAGE TATTOO - An arrow for Clint and an hourglass for Nat.
STITCH SCARS AROUND MOUTH + slightly damaged vocal cords - Thanks to The Veiled Order capture.
MERMAN Features; white hands with claws and subtle webbing that's retractable, iridescent scales over his hands and in random spots.

DEMON ATTRIBUTES:

Demon Teeth.
The beginning of Pointy Ears (not pictures because right now they're just itchy and growing).
[These are based off Hellburbia Suicide].
Slowly his hands are turning White and his nails are turning into claws (basically)





RICHARD JOSEPH LYNCH
aka
little grey dragon he adopted from Mammons Island.

 

N A V I G A T I O N:  kinks & permissions | visuals | funeral | bdsm info | cr chart
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Comments

[enoderedrum]

“Then you’ll never be able to move past that moment where you killed your best friend. It will eat you alive, you’ll swallow it down and become someone you don’t actually want to be and then one day you’ll snap,” Noah replies too confidently for it to just be pulled out of no where.

And maybe this situation hits a little closer to home.

Different but the same.

Noah’s situation was on a different playing field but the part of hun that wasn’t bitter, understood Barrington. He may not have ever addressed his feelings on the matter but there was regret hiding in the midst of everything.

Would Jesper want Kaz to suffer that particular regret? Probably not.

He worries his bottom lip, “I know you’re probably wondering why I’m addressing this but it all comes back around to your issue. I promise. Your touch trauma issues stem from the emotions connected to the act. Jesper was a dead thing when you did what you did. So combine the dead thing with killing your best friend, you’ve got a whole other layer added to your trauma. So…you have to face this one while it’s fresh so we can move on to the more ingrained issues. Am I making sense of is my sleep deprived brain too loopy.” He mutters softly, “it makes sense in my head….”

[greedbowstome]

"...you killed your best friend."

The words reverberate in his head and then throughout the rest of him, and the feeling settles in his chest and threatens to choke the breath straight from his lungs. Everything else Noah says is just noise, lost to the bit of a spiral Kaz is traveling down suddenly; all he can think now is of Jesper coming to his room–

"I came here to give you this."

"I'm trusting you with this."

Wylan in the hallway and Jesper at the other end–

"Wylan... I need you to leave."

"No mourners..."

The too-clear ring of a single shot–

The undeniable 'thud' of a body dropping–

The dull lifelessness in Jesper's eyes–

"...you killed your best friend."

The only thought in his head, besides Noah's words, are his own. The thing he dared to admit to Inej the day it all happened.

I don't know how to live with this.

I don't know how to live with this.

I don't know how to live with this.

Something in him lurches, though it's hard to tell if the reaction is from his gut or in his chest, it's sharp and it's visceral. It's The Reaper's Barge, except he's not young, and it's Jesper in the pile this time instead of his brother. It's a sense of drowning, no air in his lungs, or it's all frozen and turned to ice in his chest.

Kaz is never, ever emotional in an outward way, but it's stark across his face how very, very wrong everything is in this moment. But so much of what's happening is still internal, and it's the sort of spell he isn't equipped to stop. Instead, everything is stuck on some endless loop.

[enoderedrum]

It was going to be bad. Noah knew that. He was prepared for bad after what they had all gone through; after knowing what the Crows had had to do. What Kaz had had to do.

But this? This wasn't bad it was...suffocating and raw, ripping at the emotional tethers that kept people connected.

Noah could hear the words.
He could see what Kaz saw.
But he felt every lancing piece as it fell into place and shattered in his soul.

The ghost was watching him, staring right at him but he didn't see anything but the colors flashing around his psyche that represented pain, regret, anger, remorse, hate, mourning…

"...no mourners, no funerals.." Noah mumbled off-handedly and cocked his head a little to one side as he sank down, closer, closer, closer but he didn't reach for him. No, he'd never make that jump. Not when Kaz was drowning inside of himself like this.

"Kaz. It wasn't real," he urges, "it was a terrible mindfuck but it wasn't real. Jes is breathing and you need to start doing that, too. Do you hear me? Breathe." He waited a second and inched a little closer, "Kaz! Fucking breathe for me! I'm right here, grab on and climb out of that. It isn't real."

[greedbowstome]

“No mourners, no funerals.”

The words are right, but the voice is wrong.
Why is the voice wrong?

He can’t think clear enough past the fog in his brain, everything there feels like it’s filled with candy floss instead of thoughts. But it’s better than anything else right now, it’s safer like this, he’s sure of that much. Nothing else can hurt him if everything is clouded up like this.

“Kaz.”

His eyes are unfocused, but he sees just fine.
Noah. Why was he crouched in front of him like that? Why did he look so concerned?

“Breathe.”

Wasn’t he?
Maybe not.
Maybe the fog had made him forget to try.

The breath he finally takes is stuttered and shaky at best, not quite completely shaken out of his nightmarish reverie. He stares at Noah, still kneeling in front of him, for several long, drawn out and silent minutes, trying to make sense of everything.

“I can’t— I can’t do this. I can’t. You have to leave.” His words are half-breathless as his body tries to remember its proper functions. “You can’t be here… when he gets here. I can’t be like this when he gets here.”

[enoderedrum]

Noah jerked back a little at the demand. Did Kaz really think he was in any position to kick him out of here right now? Not once but twice he has drowned with him. He was not going to throw him into the water and just leave him to deal with this himself.

“No. Bullshit.” Noah scoffed and had the will to look offended, “You’re not the only one feeling this, you know. You share it with me every second you feel something. I’m not leaving you with this alone so shut up and take a minute to gather yourself. You are not weak. You can do this.”

He huffed and sat down on the floor, “When he gets here you’re going to tell him exactly what you feel because you need to hear what he has to say so you can get past this.”

[greedbowstome]

He stares at Noah, gaze sharp and cautious, and a tiny bit uncertain. He continues to be surprised by the other boy, how firmly he sticks to things even when arguably he shouldn’t. At least, Kaz feels like he shouldn’t. But Noah doesn’t have the fear of him the way half of Ketterdam does, if they know what’s good for them. And though he knows it, Kaz is still thrown by it every time.

“No.” It’s instant, before Noah even has half of it out of his mouth. “I’m not. I am not doing that. I’m not putting this on him.” He shakes his head. “He remembers it— every second of it. And we already talked about it. There’s nothing else to say. He made his position clear and I’m not bringing it up again.”

[enoderedrum]

So stubborn.

Well, Noah is stubborn, too.

“I’m not leaving until you two face this together. You’re not alone in this and I’m sure when you talked before you made sure you were as brief and detached as you could be.” He shook his head and got comfortable.

[greedbowstome]

“I’m not talking to him about anything with you here. It’s not your problem, Noah.” But that isn’t entirely true, is it? Noah has already taken more than a few of Kaz’s problems on as his own, and this won’t be any different. Except that Kaz is digging his heels in on this much harder than the rest.

[enoderedrum]

“I’m not leaving, Kaz,” Noah shook his head and then got up to go check the laundry. It would give them space and make his point at the same time.

He was not going to leave until Kaz laid out some honest to god feelings. It was Jesper for fucks sake! If he couldn’t be completely naked (emotionally) with him then he had no right allowing Noah in. And he had. Clearly.

Switching shifts he load and he comes back in and sits down again, “Also. You’re not angry with him about his not so little sip up, right?”

[greedbowstome]

He frowns in the wake of that declaration, watching as he wanders away. Belatedly, Kaz realizes where he had gone and decides not to follow him and instead continues frowning after him. He really doesn’t want Noah here for that talk with Jesper. Not so he can avoid talking about it all with him, but it’s awkward.

And Noah’s question upon his return does not make it less so.

“What?” He squints at the other boy, unsure why that is his sudden line of questioning. And on second thought, “How did you know about that?”

[enoderedrum]

Noah didn’t plan on staying for all of it but he wanted to make sure they addressed everything. Even if it meant just telling Jes.

Regardless, the change of topic was somewhat necessary. He shoved his hands into his pockets and bit back a laugh, “Because he called me right after in a tizzy wanting to know if there was a way to fix it. He was worried you were going to get mad over it. So…are you mad?” He watches Kaz lazily but he’s definitely paying attention.

[greedbowstome]

“Saints,” he mutters under his breath. How many more people knew, then? Wylan, surely, since he was the intended recipient. Noah, apparently, because clearly they all turn to him about modern things they have no reference for. Thank the Saints Nina wasn’t here for this.

“We already talked about it.” Sort of. Ish. There was meant to be more of it later today. He wonders if there’s any way to back out of that just now— probably not. Jesper would just walk in like it was his own room. Bar that, Kaz has taught him to pick a lock or two so not much will stop him.

It also wasn’t really an answer. Except Noah is swiftly learning how to read between the lines with Kaz in a way the Kerch boy doesn’t exactly like. He can probably deduce well enough from that little comment alone.

[enoderedrum]

Noah narrows his eyes innocently, “Then why did he tell me he was coming by to talk about it after we’re done?”

He smiles and finally does laugh softly against the fabric of his hoodie, “It was a pretty great picture though, wasn’t it? Anyway, I woke him up this morning as payback for waking me up last night. I told him I’d let him know if you were gonna cane him or if everything was okay.”

He pauses and pulls his phone out, “So…are you mad or is everything okay?”

[greedbowstome]

His jaw sets at that question, and his lips pull into a tight line at the next one. This is not a conversation he wants to be having with Noah. Or at all. But he supposes in some sense Jesper at least he owes it to— Noah is another story altogether.

He dislikes the connotation that rests on either answer to this, but Noah won’t give up. That’s one thing Kaz has learned about him by now. He has persistence and patience both in spades. He almost shoots back something about how Jesper knows damn well he’d never actually use his cane on him, but he decides it’s irrelevant to the wider topic at hand.

His features set a little firmer still when Noah pulls his phone out. Honestly. The audacity. “You can tell him it’s fine.” The words are bitten out, but it’s his annoyance at Noah causing that more than anything else.

[enoderedrum]

Everything feels heavy now.

All sharp edges that he’s trying to carefully not cut himself on but it’s hard. When he shares an experience with someone he’s dealing it it too on some level. But where Kaz is annoyed and angry with him, Noah is trying to pretend it’s not affecting him.

He swallows softly and nods as he shoots Jes a quick text; giving only the important details before he pockets the device and slowly stands up and heads for the door.

“…when the machine dings, your clothes can be taken out,” he says and grabs the knob, pausing and pressing his forehead to the door he takes another breath and turns around again, “I’m sorry. For all of it.”

[greedbowstome]

“It’s fine.”
“It’s okay.”
“It’s not your fault.”

These are things most people might say in a similar situation.
Kaz Brekker is not most people.
He doesn’t say anything at all.

But in its own way, it’s better that he didn’t. It means he’s actually listening, not just to know the next thing to throw back, but to really consider and catalog to remember later when he inevitably turns the whole thing over in his mind. It means there will likely be some sort of follow up later.

For now, though, he doesn’t say a word. He doesn’t try to stop Noah from leaving. He just sinks into the couch and counts the seconds until Jesper arrives.

[enoderedrum]

And just like that, Noah gives one more nod and let’s himself out. This calls for his own brand of therapy; probably in the shape of turning into a koala on Kavinsky and making him deal with it.