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[enoderedrum]

 

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ripraven

CURRENT HOUSING:

Currently living both in his designated housing, but also Adams House (pretty much in Kavinsky's bed nightly).

 

SCARS / MARKINGS:
ENVY - Cut into his left forearm (via Blue)
SUFFER - Carving into his calf via himself.
WRIST SCARS (successful suicide) + Thigh SCAR.
WRIST TATTOO -  Paw on his right wrist (via Kavinsky)
THROAT TATTOO - A raven with its wings spread on either side of his neck,
the face is a skull of the raven instead, and the background is filled with blue, purple and hints of red watercolor splashes. (Tattoo shop on Mammons Island.)
RIBCAGE TATTOO - An arrow for Clint and an hourglass for Nat.
STITCH SCARS AROUND MOUTH + slightly damaged vocal cords - Thanks to The Veiled Order capture.
MERMAN Features; white hands with claws and subtle webbing that's retractable, iridescent scales over his hands and in random spots.

DEMON ATTRIBUTES:

Demon Teeth.
The beginning of Pointy Ears (not pictures because right now they're just itchy and growing).
[These are based off Hellburbia Suicide].
Slowly his hands are turning White and his nails are turning into claws (basically)





RICHARD JOSEPH LYNCH
aka
little grey dragon he adopted from Mammons Island.

 

N A V I G A T I O N:  kinks & permissions | visuals | funeral | bdsm info | cr chart
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Comments

[greedbowstome]

Kaz isn’t good at this, he never has been. The only way to survive in The Barrel is to never let anyone close enough to do any real damage. The fact that Noah got the words out of him at all is basically monumental as it gets with someone like him. He just hopes that Noah can appreciate that for all it’s worth.

He can’t stop himself from leaning slightly back into the couch when Noah invades his space that way, unsure what he’s doing in the moment. One corner of his mouth quirks up the tiniest little bit at that, an eyebrow arching curiously. “I’m not sure why you’re so fascinated with it.” He admits, but he repeats it— I trust you— in Kerch anyway.

[enoderedrum]

Noah appreciates it. There is no doubt about that. He appreciates it and the effort that Kaz actually has to put In in order to meet him half way on everything. He knows it isn’t easy but he knows it’s necessary. The ghost doesn’t want to change Kaz; these are protections that are needed where they’re from and he knows that. He just wants to break them down for the people Kaz is close to so they can feel even more separate from the strangers.

The closeness is completely on purpose. It’s a way to breach the barrier without using touch at all. Noah always has a reason for the things he does. They’re not just accidents.

His eyes slide down to watch the others mouth shape the words and then move back up, “Can’t I just like it?”

[greedbowstome]

Kaz doesn't doubt that Noah does things with a purpose, particularly during these little meetings of theirs, even if he doesn't quite see it from the same angle. It's harder to turn things over to someone else, and that's what these sessions are more than not. The learning curve is steep, and Kaz isn't entirely sure he's passing yet.

The too-obvious way Noah's gaze drifts to watch the way he speaks his native tongue and the close proximity of the pair of them makes every nerve a live wire, despite the distinct lack of contact. His tongue darts nervously across his lips, "I suppose you can."

[enoderedrum]

Noah lingers a moment longer before giving Kaz his space once more.

Since touch wouldn’t be doable today, he figures a little space invasion would do. He glances around the space for the first time. Purposefully being nosy since he wasn’t the first time he was here.

“I like the way they sound on your tongue,” he murmurs and gets up from the couch to wander around a little bit, peeping at some things before he stops in front of the laundry pile. Why was it in a pile when they had a washing machine? Clearly he’s lived with Kavinsky too long.

“And you do have an accent by the way,” he says as he passes by towards the machine with the pile of clothing in hand.

[greedbowstome]

There's suddenly space in his chest for his lungs and a proper breath the second Noah leans back out of his personal bubble. He hates how much it affects him. He wishes they could speed this along, somehow, though he knows it's far too delicate of a balance to do that.

"I imagine it sounds better, being my natural language." He's never had much of an ear for them, Nina has given him a hard time about it plenty of times.

He frowns as Noah starts wandering the suite, "What are you doing?"

[enoderedrum]

“Your laundry,” Noah replies easily, casually, like it’s obvious as he sorts through things and tosses them into the washing machine. Probably all of it should go on the delicate cycle, he decides, just because it’s weirdly fancy shit.

He smirks softly to himself as he loads the machine, “So what were you more nervous about? My being in your space or the threat of my kissing you?”

That was the true question. He gives Kaz a look that says he didn’t have to be an empath to notice how fast his heart had been beating.

[greedbowstome]

The answer... doesn't actually clear it up, and now he has to come investigate what the other boy is doing. "That's what these are for?" he gives the washer a curious glance before looking back at Noah. "What's the difference in them, then?" There were two machines in this closet, after all.

He scoffs at the question, leaning a shoulder against the wall. "As if you would." He doubts it. Is it because he can't fathom Noah genuinely wanting to, or because he knows beyond any doubt at this point that he wouldn't shove that far across any boundaries? Who's to say, honestly.

He doesn't bother trying to deny that he was nervous at all, though.

[enoderedrum]

Arching a brow, Noah looks back at the machines and adds the detergent to the washer, closes it up and presses a few buttons.

“Yeah. How long have you actually been in this room…?” He chuckles softly, then motions to each machine, “This one washes the clothes, and when it’s finished cycling, you put them in this one and it dries them.”

Sometimes he forgets that the Crows come from somewhere else entirely. The phones, technology, washing machines…

He waits till the water starts before he moves closer again to Kaz’s leaning form. Even like this he’s taller than Noah by a little bit, enough to make him have to look up a ways.

“Kaz…if you doubt for one second that I wouldn’t kiss you if I could, you’re very very wrong,” god he wanted to, “but I won’t until you want to kiss me back.”

[greedbowstome]

"Since we came back from Mammon's territory." He answers easily enough with a shrug. He doesn't have any qualms about not understanding the strange things in this place. Kerch, Ravka, the whole lot of countries he knows? Have nothing remotely on par with it, so he couldn't possibly know it innately somehow. Still. He makes a note of everything Noah's doing, so he can tell Inej about it later. This will be much simpler of a task now, actually.

He shifts unevenly on his feet. He expected it, in a way, because it seems invasion of personal space is the lesson of the day, but that doesn't stop it from making some part of him squirm.

"Who says I'll want to?" It's not the sharp thing it could have been, all the edges blunted and softened into something quiet and uncertain, his eyes locked on Noah's. He isn't sure how much help that ability of his would be just now– Kaz isn't entirely sure how he feels about the idea at all. For so long, there was only Inej, and in a lot of ways that's still true. But Hell has shaken some things around, too.

[enoderedrum]

Noah isn’t actually using his ‘ability’ right now. His focus is solely on the other boys face. Sometimes he gets more by watching him, anyway.

“No one. If you never want to then it just won’t happen,” Noah answers with a little shrug. And that was the truth. If Kaz never wanted to kiss him, Noah wouldn’t push it. It was easy to slip away and lock out feelings if he absolutely had to. But he did want to…that was the problem. “I probably shouldn’t flirt with you to begin with. I can stop if you want me to.”

Licking his bottom lip he glances at the machines again, “If you need to know how anything else works, you can just ask.”

[greedbowstome]

One thing no one could ever mistake Noah for being is pushy. Kaz appreciates that wildly, and he supposes it's the main reason he has agreed to this little arrangement of theirs at all. There's a balance between getting him past certain thresholds and keeping him okay and Noah walks the edge between them like he was always meant to be on a high wire.

"I didn't even realize it, half the time." And the rest of it, he didn't stop him, did he? That probably says more than any words might manage to.

He nods a little, "Sure." It would have been smarter to ask about that in the first place, but he just hadn't considered it. There were ways around it, and they'd managed fine. But he can't deny the convenience of the machines.

[enoderedrum]

Noah rolled his eyes but it’s a playful gesture and when he brushes past him to head back into the other room, he trails his hand over the others arm in the process. It’s brief but existent.

“So…you…like that I flirt with you, then?” He asks, flopping down onto the couch again. “I mean. You didn’t tell me to stop, so I’m assuming you like it.” Blue eyes travel along the other boys frame for a moment then flit around the space again. Sometimes he forgets Inej could be around and then when he remembers he slouches a little unconsciously.

He worries his cheek and slides his hands into his pocket again, retrieving a goldfish from the pouch he has in there, “Forget I asked that.”

A breath is taken and he rolls his head against the back of the couch, “Anyway, where is your head at right now with everything? We can talk about it if you want…”

[greedbowstome]

He bites the inside of his cheek as Noah pushes past him. There is the barrier of his sleeves against Noah's fingers on his arm, but it doesn't hide the fact that it happened. Quick enough there was no time for any sort of truly visceral reaction, though. He frowns for a moment before smoothing the look from his face and heading back into the living room with him.

He doesn't have time to actually answer him before Noah's casting the whole conversation off, suddenly. "You really don't want to know?" He asks, eyebrow arched slightly.

The shift in conversation makes everything about him instantly quieter. This is something else he's realized Noah is pushing him to do a lot more of. He still isn't great at it, by any stretch, getting him to talk about things is still not unlike pulling teeth, but bit by bit, it gets just a little easier.

"Wouldn't know where to start," he says honestly, his voice quiet.

[enoderedrum]

“I do but…you don’t have to. It’s fine. I already ask a lot from you,” Noah shrugs and watches Kaz move back into the room with him. Sometimes their conversations bounce from one thing to another, quick, but that too is also on purpose.

Licking his lips again, he watches the other boys face….and pops another goldfish into his mouth.

“Let’s start with….are you okay?” Noah tips his head, “And don’t give me the dismissive crap. I wanna know how you’re really feeling. Don’t make me search for it.”

[greedbowstome]

“Perhaps,”’he agrees with a slight nod. He can’t help his thoughts drifting to the twist of conversation with Jesper the other night, and the discussion his sharpshooter still expects to have about it all later. He settles on, “It doesn’t bother me.” The particulars of why that is can remain a mystery until another day.

He huffs a soft sound of amusement at the strangely intense way he eats the crackers, shaking his head a bit.

That feels like a much heavier question than it pretends to be. The added instruction only adds to that. It takes him several long, stretched out minutes of silence before he finally settles on, “Not really…” he knows he has to say more than that, explain it more or at all, but sometimes even the smallest facts are hard for him to admit and Noah is probably used to the baby steps moments these types of conversations require.

[enoderedrum]

Noah wonders briefly if he should bring up the thing with Jesper. The sharpshooter did call him in the middle of the night freaking out over it. But he doesn’t for now. He’s rolling over Kaz’s first answer while the other mulls out the second.

Kaz doesn’t mind the flirting. But that could mean a lot of things! It could just be that he’s used to people flirting with him. Probably, mostly, Jesper. That boy would flirt with a tree if it would give him attention. But then again there is that….thing, that Jesper and Kaz have. Noah wonders if Kaz even realizes that he flirts back with him once in a while.

When Kaz speaks again, it pulls Noah from his thoughts and he furrows his brows. It was a simple but loaded response.

“I’d hope not. Your best friend left it to you to kill him for your own good. That isn’t exactly an easy pill to swallow. And the fact that you did it couldn’t have felt nice. Then to live with it? That’s heavy. If you said you were okay I probably would have slapped you.” He admits before offering Kaz a cracker.

[greedbowstome]

“You didn’t have to lay it out all quite so plainly,” he says, a bit cross at having it in front of him like that; though he knows that was the intent— Noah seems to have a thing about facing these sorts of topics head on with no brakes.

He shakes his head a little in silent refusal of the proffered snack.

“I can’t do anything my about most of it.” He shrugs a little, almost sinking back against the couch. “Jesper made the right decision asking me, and I knew when I found them in the hallway, I couldn’t let Wylan do it. I did what had to be done, like I always do.” No matter the blood it stained his hands with nor the effect it had on him.

[enoderedrum]

“Yeah, I did. Sometimes I have to voice the stuff you don’t want to talk about so you can see it for what it is and not what you think it is,” Noah shrugged and nibbled on the denied cracker.

He listens and nods a few times in response to certain parts, biting on the tip of his thumb all year while before he drops his hand.

“Yeah, Jes made the right decision in who he chose to take care of it cause you lock away your emotions the best out of all of you. But,” he frowned, “you need to feel what you’re feeling. Part of the reason you are the way you are is because you’ve locked it all away whether it’s to save everyone around you or yourself, only you know. But I know you’re hurting over this….”

He frowned a little, “What you’re feeling is exactly what I didn’t want Kavinsky to feel. Plus, I wasn’t sure if he would kill me or let me kill him. And I couldn’t accept either of those options—“ he paused and shook his head, “Anyway, that’s… my point is don’t lock it away. Voice it. Out loud . And it’ll be easier to let go of. If you don’t you’ll feel the full weight of it forever.”

[greedbowstome]

I knew it. is the first thought that enters his mind on hearing that. Though he hardly hides things the way Kaz does, he feels like he’s getting to know Noah better. Certain things are becoming… not quite predictable, that isn’t really a word Kaz would use for him, but… he’s starting to understand the way the other boy thinks. It’s a comforting thing to him, to be able to see things the way other people do, even if he does not necessarily like it or agree with the angle.

He frowns at that. “I do feel it.” Quietly and alone in his head and in his chest, every day. His lips twitch but it isn’t the genuine amused thing Noah has seen once or twice before— it’s twisted sharper, something barely not mocking. It’s not Kaz, the boy, it’s the idea of him, the Bastard of the Barrel that asks, “What do you propose? That I have a cry about it on your shoulder?” He huffs softly, shaking his head, that same smirk still in place. “Not happening, Noah.”

He shakes his head again, “That won’t change anything. It doesn’t l make it hurt less. It doesn’t make it go away. Putting a name and a voice to the thing that hurts you does nothing of any value.”

[enoderedrum]

This…was different.

No, Kaz was different. This felt more like the boy he has met on Mammon’s island. Sharper. Noah wasn’t sure how he felt about it. But he understood it. This was what Kaz hid behind.

It was like Kavinsky and his ‘I don’t give a shit’ attitude. Ronan’s anger.

The ghost let him rage in his own way for a while and he didn’t respond. Didn’t react more than a few flickered expressions that he hid away as quickly as they came.

“If you want to cry I wouldn’t judge you but no,” he shrugged, “I expect you to be angry first. Break some things. Get it out of your system. The anger that you had to be the one to do it. That you had to bite your tongue and pull the trigger. That you were chosen at all. And then…the seal will be broken enough for you to feel the pain. The loss. The regret. You can’t heal from anger, but that’s a secondary emotion anyway.” He shrugged lightly and leaned back against the couch.

[greedbowstome]

He stares at him for a long moment, never saying a word. It's annoying, Kaz realizes, Noah understanding him as well as he does, as quickly as he has. Anger is, actually, the emotion through which he processes almost everything else. Probably not the hardest thing about him to figure out, but that doesn't make it any less irritating.

"And if I don't want that seal broken in the first place?" he challenges, eyes narrowed curiously at the other boy. He doesn't, not really. In many ways, it's simply easier to carry on this way. Familiar. Safer.

[enoderedrum]

“Then you’ll never be able to move past that moment where you killed your best friend. It will eat you alive, you’ll swallow it down and become someone you don’t actually want to be and then one day you’ll snap,” Noah replies too confidently for it to just be pulled out of no where.

And maybe this situation hits a little closer to home.

Different but the same.

Noah’s situation was on a different playing field but the part of hun that wasn’t bitter, understood Barrington. He may not have ever addressed his feelings on the matter but there was regret hiding in the midst of everything.

Would Jesper want Kaz to suffer that particular regret? Probably not.

He worries his bottom lip, “I know you’re probably wondering why I’m addressing this but it all comes back around to your issue. I promise. Your touch trauma issues stem from the emotions connected to the act. Jesper was a dead thing when you did what you did. So combine the dead thing with killing your best friend, you’ve got a whole other layer added to your trauma. So…you have to face this one while it’s fresh so we can move on to the more ingrained issues. Am I making sense of is my sleep deprived brain too loopy.” He mutters softly, “it makes sense in my head….”

[greedbowstome]

"...you killed your best friend."

The words reverberate in his head and then throughout the rest of him, and the feeling settles in his chest and threatens to choke the breath straight from his lungs. Everything else Noah says is just noise, lost to the bit of a spiral Kaz is traveling down suddenly; all he can think now is of Jesper coming to his room–

"I came here to give you this."

"I'm trusting you with this."

Wylan in the hallway and Jesper at the other end–

"Wylan... I need you to leave."

"No mourners..."

The too-clear ring of a single shot–

The undeniable 'thud' of a body dropping–

The dull lifelessness in Jesper's eyes–

"...you killed your best friend."

The only thought in his head, besides Noah's words, are his own. The thing he dared to admit to Inej the day it all happened.

I don't know how to live with this.

I don't know how to live with this.

I don't know how to live with this.

Something in him lurches, though it's hard to tell if the reaction is from his gut or in his chest, it's sharp and it's visceral. It's The Reaper's Barge, except he's not young, and it's Jesper in the pile this time instead of his brother. It's a sense of drowning, no air in his lungs, or it's all frozen and turned to ice in his chest.

Kaz is never, ever emotional in an outward way, but it's stark across his face how very, very wrong everything is in this moment. But so much of what's happening is still internal, and it's the sort of spell he isn't equipped to stop. Instead, everything is stuck on some endless loop.

[enoderedrum]

It was going to be bad. Noah knew that. He was prepared for bad after what they had all gone through; after knowing what the Crows had had to do. What Kaz had had to do.

But this? This wasn't bad it was...suffocating and raw, ripping at the emotional tethers that kept people connected.

Noah could hear the words.
He could see what Kaz saw.
But he felt every lancing piece as it fell into place and shattered in his soul.

The ghost was watching him, staring right at him but he didn't see anything but the colors flashing around his psyche that represented pain, regret, anger, remorse, hate, mourning…

"...no mourners, no funerals.." Noah mumbled off-handedly and cocked his head a little to one side as he sank down, closer, closer, closer but he didn't reach for him. No, he'd never make that jump. Not when Kaz was drowning inside of himself like this.

"Kaz. It wasn't real," he urges, "it was a terrible mindfuck but it wasn't real. Jes is breathing and you need to start doing that, too. Do you hear me? Breathe." He waited a second and inched a little closer, "Kaz! Fucking breathe for me! I'm right here, grab on and climb out of that. It isn't real."

[greedbowstome]

“No mourners, no funerals.”

The words are right, but the voice is wrong.
Why is the voice wrong?

He can’t think clear enough past the fog in his brain, everything there feels like it’s filled with candy floss instead of thoughts. But it’s better than anything else right now, it’s safer like this, he’s sure of that much. Nothing else can hurt him if everything is clouded up like this.

“Kaz.”

His eyes are unfocused, but he sees just fine.
Noah. Why was he crouched in front of him like that? Why did he look so concerned?

“Breathe.”

Wasn’t he?
Maybe not.
Maybe the fog had made him forget to try.

The breath he finally takes is stuttered and shaky at best, not quite completely shaken out of his nightmarish reverie. He stares at Noah, still kneeling in front of him, for several long, drawn out and silent minutes, trying to make sense of everything.

“I can’t— I can’t do this. I can’t. You have to leave.” His words are half-breathless as his body tries to remember its proper functions. “You can’t be here… when he gets here. I can’t be like this when he gets here.”